LaurenDaniella

Such a Beautiful Disaster
I lose you all over again

I lose you all over again

The brittle blade of life

They say life isn’t fair . I would agree that the term is correct that infact life is not fair . What we fail to understand is that no matter how much your a nice person of have had a bad year that life doesn’t have to be kind to you or fair .

I feel as my life has just been filled with loss for years , the loss of my grandad , the loss of my partner of 4 years . It gets better but then it feels just as fresh as the first episode on a random day. I miss the people I loved for so long . I miss being happy and in love .. Being excited and cared about . What makes it worse is the person who made me feel that way is also the person who hurt me the most .

It’s a constant daily battle between my head and my heart . Still with a massive hole inside of me .

I know I need to let go .. But I just can’t

Always

It was him … It will always be him

Why .. Lol

Why do i always want what I can’t have or that I know is bad for me … The excitement is to much to stay away from

Missing parts

When you love someone and I mean LOVE someone … With every inch of your soul , and it falls apart do you leave a part of yourself with them ?

I’ve been asking myself that for a few days . Four years I woke up with that one person , shared memories good and bad , were all different people when we are with the ones we love . It’s like a secret person .. One only they get to see . I’m still finding myself after nearly a year and I can’t help but feel the happiest part of me was taken by him when it l went wrong .

I feel as though my heart will never be whole again . Like there’s a draining leak that won’t ever stop pouring or hurting . It’s not often you make someone your world isit really the best idea to do ? I’d rather not know this pain ever then to feel an echo of emptiness every single day …

with sorrow and pain comes hate . Hate for the person who made it all so messy , who destroyed it all to the point of no return . Without hate there is no love , crazy as sounds I think you only know how much you love someone when you feel a certain hate for how they make you feel yet love them regardless .

It’s a vicious circle that needs to stop

I did it again ..

I did it again . I fell into his trap and let myself feel for him again . How am I meant to shut it off when I want nothing more but to still be able to love him . Still loving someone when there’s NO way you can be together is the worst pain imaginable … Just broken memories of times you used to be happy .

Ghosts of relationships past ..

Why does it always happen ? The one person you gave your soul to … Your love .. Every ounce of effort you made …

They break you down , mistreat you .. You leave . Nearly a year on and he decides he wants to come back . His been with someone else which obv didn’t work out … Realising life with other people isn’t what it’s cracked up to be.

The horrible part of it all is that I’ve not been with anyone since him … I still love him .. I still miss him but we can never be together after the things he done . I can’t forgive and forget . I don’t want to love him forever but I know I will … You don’t ever fall out of love with your first love. I feel pain and anger again when I thought I was over it all and okay . I was wrong … I’m still not ok . It breaks my heart to hear him say his sorry , that he would do anything to have me back again and I believe him . But it’s not good enough …. You can’t relive the past and you can’t get back what was lost or torn apart .

I have to keep him out of my life when it’s the one thing I still want . For my own sake … Or I’ll never have a life again . I’m being haunted

Are people really who they appear to be ? When we fall for someone why do we paint this picture of somebody who actually doesn’t exist ? This man who appeared in my life seemed amazing .. It’s not until things get hard that you see who people really are.

The picture starts to become distorted , messy .. And something you don’t recognise anymore . That person who seemed so beautiful no longer is … The selfish actions and decisions made make them nasty . I thought he was admirable and thoughtful .. And at times he was but only when it was about himself . The pain of wanting someone or something so unsustainable  is crippling . 

Where do you start when you don’t know where you are ?

Are people really who they appear to be ? When we fall for someone why do we paint this picture of somebody who actually doesn’t exist ? This man who appeared in my life seemed amazing .. It’s not until things get hard that you see who people really are.

The picture starts to become distorted , messy .. And something you don’t recognise anymore . That person who seemed so beautiful no longer is … The selfish actions and decisions made make them nasty . I thought he was admirable and thoughtful .. And at times he was but only when it was about himself . The pain of wanting someone or something so unsustainable is crippling .

Where do you start when you don’t know where you are ?

When will it end ?

So after the end of a relationship with time things are meant to get easier …. Better …. They were then I relapsed . My mind running things over and over .. Replaying situations and precious moments. I need to remember that we wasn’t like that anymore , more hate then love , more bad then good. Why can’t I jut let go completely ? Why is it so hard ? The fear of the unknown and the fear of not finding love again is terrifying . The ghosts of relationships past just won’t stop haunting me. I just want to stop hurting ….

When you start to really know someone, all his physical characteristics start to disappear. You begin to dwell in his energy, recognize the scent of his skin. You see only the essence of the person,not the shell. That’s why you can’t fall in love with beauty. You can lust after it, be infatuated by it, want to own it. You can love it with your eyes and body but not your heart. And that’s why, when you really connect with a person’s inner self, any physical imperfections disappear, become irrelevant.

—Lisa Unger, Beautiful Lies (via faithhealthlife)