LuluDaniella

Such a Beautiful Disaster

Ghosts of relationships past ..

Why does it always happen ? The one person you gave your soul to … Your love .. Every ounce of effort you made …

They break you down , mistreat you .. You leave . Nearly a year on and he decides he wants to come back . His been with someone else which obv didn’t work out … Realising life with other people isn’t what it’s cracked up to be.

The horrible part of it all is that I’ve not been with anyone since him … I still love him .. I still miss him but we can never be together after the things he done . I can’t forgive and forget . I don’t want to love him forever but I know I will … You don’t ever fall out of love with your first love. I feel pain and anger again when I thought I was over it all and okay . I was wrong … I’m still not ok . It breaks my heart to hear him say his sorry , that he would do anything to have me back again and I believe him . But it’s not good enough …. You can’t relive the past and you can’t get back what was lost or torn apart .

I have to keep him out of my life when it’s the one thing I still want . For my own sake … Or I’ll never have a life again . I’m being haunted

Are people really who they appear to be ? When we fall for someone why do we paint this picture of somebody who actually doesn’t exist ? This man who appeared in my life seemed amazing .. It’s not until things get hard that you see who people really are.

The picture starts to become distorted , messy .. And something you don’t recognise anymore . That person who seemed so beautiful no longer is … The selfish actions and decisions made make them nasty . I thought he was admirable and thoughtful .. And at times he was but only when it was about himself . The pain of wanting someone or something so unsustainable  is crippling . 

Where do you start when you don’t know where you are ?

Are people really who they appear to be ? When we fall for someone why do we paint this picture of somebody who actually doesn’t exist ? This man who appeared in my life seemed amazing .. It’s not until things get hard that you see who people really are.

The picture starts to become distorted , messy .. And something you don’t recognise anymore . That person who seemed so beautiful no longer is … The selfish actions and decisions made make them nasty . I thought he was admirable and thoughtful .. And at times he was but only when it was about himself . The pain of wanting someone or something so unsustainable is crippling .

Where do you start when you don’t know where you are ?

Risks

We take risks everyday some small some big .. But risks with our hearts tend to leave us crippled in the end.

So I heal from my ex partner where I’m okay to hear from him and not be bothered , where I have the strength to not respond and get on with day to day life . I then meet someone , not just anyone but a man who makes me feel again. I sure know how to pick them .. An army lad based far but even knowing this I took the risk . It slapped my in the face .

It’s like life waited until I could be the happiest I could .. Then snatch it away. His being deployed for 6 months which ends our dating . The army has washed away any chances his had of a relationship , I know he will just get on with things his programmed to be thick skinned .

But I’m not. My hearts soft and tender and hurting all over again .. Isit ever really worth the risk ? Will fate let us cross our paths again ? Probably not , because it’s cruel . I’m left hurt and bitter maybe I should just stay that way .. At least I know I can’t be hurt .

When will it end ?

So after the end of a relationship with time things are meant to get easier …. Better …. They were then I relapsed . My mind running things over and over .. Replaying situations and precious moments. I need to remember that we wasn’t like that anymore , more hate then love , more bad then good. Why can’t I jut let go completely ? Why is it so hard ? The fear of the unknown and the fear of not finding love again is terrifying . The ghosts of relationships past just won’t stop haunting me. I just want to stop hurting ….

When you start to really know someone, all his physical characteristics start to disappear. You begin to dwell in his energy, recognize the scent of his skin. You see only the essence of the person,not the shell. That’s why you can’t fall in love with beauty. You can lust after it, be infatuated by it, want to own it. You can love it with your eyes and body but not your heart. And that’s why, when you really connect with a person’s inner self, any physical imperfections disappear, become irrelevant.

—Lisa Unger, Beautiful Lies (via faithhealthlife)

gvillaflor asked: I just wanted you to know, i understand what you're going through. But you're the better person, and you're going to see the light again.

I hope so it’s such a lonely place

Words from my dad

gvillaflor:

"Gen, you are my daughter and you are my blood. I have never made you cry only when im truly angry but not purposely" -true wake up call. I could count the times my dad has made me cry on one hand and ive known him all my life. Whereas you, i dont even know where to begin.

creosotequeen:

why is returning to myself so rocky

everyone says to me
you should just be glad to be free of him! 
free of that nonsense! 

and I am

but I am also very sorry 
for how much I wasted my time
and how right it seemed to do it at the time

(via nowherequeenie-deactivated20140)